Christmas Time

What a wonderful time of year. I love it. The delight on Jacob's face as he played with the gifts other people got, the packaging and whatever else he could get his little hands on. It was WONDERFUL!

Christmas is about so much more than just getting gifts. Its about spending time with family. I had more fun hanging out with my parents, son and husband, than opening gifts. Although, watching Jacob walk around the living room with one of my mom's gifts was pretty cool. He was such a sweetheart all day!

This is a time that I remember what is important to me. Spending time with my family, having a healthy family, good friends, and most of all, knowing that I am loved for just being me.

There is some other positive news. At the beginning of last week, Jesse got a $1.00 an hour pay raise! What a huge blessing this is for us. I am so proud of all the hard work he has put in. What a wonderful husband I have.

I also have lost enough weight to go down a pant size. This makes me really happy. I just need to keep on it.

Jacob is walking everywhere and it just amazes me more and more each day. For the most part, he is a pretty happy kid. But he does know how to throw a tantrum. I am hoping that we can continue to nip this in the bud.

Birthday time!!!

Its that time! Jacob is 1 yr old today! I am so proud of my little man and I love him to pieces. We are having dinner at my parents and opening presents there.

I am however making the cake and doing LOTS of house cleaning.

Things on my list to get done....

• Bake the cake
• clean the kitchen
• wash, fold and put away the laundry
• clean off the table
• look through Sunday's paper and do my coupons (I do realize that its Wednesday, but oh well, it shall get done)

Well off I go to get this done.

Its about time

I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. Myself, my husband, my house, my blog. Right a blog is right up there with the important things. I need an outlet. I no longer get out with "friends". This is as much a personal choice as it is not being asked to do anything.

Some days I have no desire to do anything. Not even be a mommy. But I have to be. It gets me down. I've shouted out "I need a break" and no one has come to my rescue. So I started to wonder if they really should. Did anyone really have a reason to help me out?

I speak my mind. You don't have to guess what I think about you. Which is a plus for the people I like and the ones I would consider friends. Not so much a plus for the people I don't like. And that list is starting to grow. Ugh, I hate saying that, but its true. I've moved enough in my life to have a pretty good grasp on what is important to me. Good friends are important but VERY rare. And even when you think you have found a good friend, they may not be as wonderful as you once thought. I have friends who at least text every few days to find out what's going on. Others I haven't heard from in weeks, months, years. Some of them I still care about and consider friends, others I am thinking of dropping. I understand that everyone is busy with their own lives, work, more than one kid, husbands. You name it.

I am more than willing to help others whenever I can. This is a big thing for me. I really feel that good friends should be their for their friends. Its when you start realizing that you are helping because you want to and they help because they expect something in return. Or they need help or a break and you are there, but when you pose the same cry, no one listens. Now I am not looking for sympathy here. Just pointing out many of the things that I have thought about these last few weeks.

I could name my really good friends on 5 fingers. One is in MI and I rarely talk to her but she is a wonderful gal, two are really busy with work and or school, another is male (not my husband, although he is a great friend too), and...... okay so less than 5 fingers. This breaks my heart. I have cried too many nights over this. Poor Jesse has no idea how to help. He wants to fix it so bad but can't. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am a very social person. Not having someone that I can just call and talk to or go over and talk to just kills me. My bestest friends are my husband and my mother. There are just some things you can't talk to either of them about.

I wouldn't be surprised if I was slipping into a little bit of a depression. But really, who is there to help? Who can I count on? God and my family. Thats great but honestly, God doesn't talk back, and plenty of times my family has their own things going on. Jesse can't always talk to me when I want adult interaction, he is at work. And I think its asking a lot for my mother to be that person.

All I can do is hang out with my son. He is the joy in my life. As he grows more into a little person that will play with me *I can see it now "No mommy, I don't want to play. Mommy I play by myself. Mommy go way, no play.* I may not be as bored during the days.

I spend far too much time on the computer. I know this. Our small home is easy to keep clean, its too cold to go to the park or anywhere else for that matter, and my son naps like a dream so I have plenty of time to just be alone. And it blows!

So I guess I'm still unsure if people have a reason to help me when I ask. I try to be loving, kind, generous but I am also loud, opinionated and I don't take BS, life is too damn short to play games.

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. I had to wait until I had calmed down more. I'm tired of whining, and of petty people, and just generally stupidity. There is more to life than that.

So I sit. I read, book and articles on the internet. I play peek a boo with my son and listen to his joyous laughter. I watch him as he masters new milestones. And I try to at-least get some social interaction through Facebook or Ivillage. Its not much but its got to be better than nothing. I also hope that Jesse won't be too tired to hang out with me.

In the end, no matter what I did or didn't do during the day, I go to bed feeling good. I've cut out the people who whine and have petty crap going on. I'm sorry but I have nothing left to give to you. My energy and love goes towards the ones who are kind enough to give it back to me.

Measurements 7/26

Weight 183.4 (-3)
Bust 36.5 (+.5)
Under Bust 35 (+2)
Waist 37.5 (-1.5)
Hips 44 (+1.5)
L Thigh 24.5 (-0.5)
R Thigh 24.5 (-0.5)
L Calf 15 (no change)
R Calf (no change)
L Arm 12 (no change)
R Arm 12.5 (no change)

Blessings

There truely are still wonderful people in the world!!! Jesse, Jacob and I just recieved a jogging stroller, a walker for Grandma's house, another set of baby monitors, a bike trailer for babies, a toddler car seat, a toddler bike, and two coach purses!! We are so blessed and thank God.

Realization

In the last few days I've come to this not so startaling realization. I'm selfish. In my life, in a lot of things that I do. I am not grateful for what I have, instead I complain about what I don't have. And this has got to stop. NOW! I need to be thankful very much for what I have and settle into the knowing that good things do come to thoes who wait.



The things I am thankful for......

• My husband has a stable job that is able to provide adquate food, gas for our cars, occasional clothes for Jesse and I, clothes and toys for Jacob, a roof over our head, we both have cell phones, cable tv and internet. In all reality we are stuggling but we are not as bad off as I would have people blieve. Yes, we have debt up the wazoo. And they will get their money when they get it. But by the grace of God, we are surviving, and amazingly well.


• My son sleeps through the night. I am blessed to get plenty of sleep at night. Along with naps during the day if I so wish. I know for having a 7 month old that this is very special. And yet he wakes up at 7:30 in the morning and I complain that its too early. Rather than spend that extra time with my son.


• My little boy is happy. And I don't deserve it. I spend more time on the computer while he plays on the floor than I spend reading to him or playing with him. How selfish is that?? And then I complain about being bored! I have this amazing little boy infront of me and I am bored??? How can that be?? It is my own fault. And yet he loves me more than anything. He smiles at me, giggles when I pick him up, loves on me before bed, and wants to cuddle when he is tired.


• My husband treats me very well. He sleeps on the couch so I can get a good night's sleep. He gets up with the baby in middle of the night and takes over his care when he gets home from work. As much as he likes coming home to a clean house, its not the end of the world if it doens't happen. He spends his days at work and his evenings working side jobs or taking care of the baby, and he cooks dinner most nights. I spend my days watching tv, playing on the computer, napping and half heartedly taking care of the baby. Sometimes I do manage to slip in laundry and cleaning.


• I have many friends who love and support me.

Since I can realize all of this now (thanks to a few friends, who without knowing it have helped me to realize this) and do something about it. I have been lacking in my faith in God. Thinking I can do this all on my own. I can't. I have always felt better when that has been a focus in my life and yet I've been doing just the opposite. Unkind words about others (I do know that this can not always be helped), being selfish with myself and my time, just not being me. I rarely attend church but I am a big girl and know how to read. Its not that hard to pull out my old children's bible and read a story to my son. Its not that hard to pull out my bible and read many of the verses that I have underlined. I say this all now, but the true test will be putting it into practice.

This all being said, I am putting this whole car thing (to be explained in a moment*) into God's hands, Jesse and I have done what we can to contact the young lady.

*Back in June we sold Jesse's Mercury Cougar to this young lady. The deal was that she would make the payments to us and we would in turn make them to the bank (which the bank was okay with). And so far she has been current on her payments. However, we got a notice the other day that there was no insurance on the car. So Jesse called the number that we had for her insurance and it was cancled the 19th of this month. We tried to get a hold of her and no one has heard from her or seen her in awhile. So we told them that if she calls she needs to call or email us. I've myspaced her as well and we have emailed her. I went ahead and put our insurance back on the car so its covered. But now we wait and see. We can't afford car insurance for three cars AND two car payments.

Monday Measurements

Weight 186.4 (-0.8)
Bust 36 (-1.5)
Under Bust 33 (+1)
Waist 39 (+1)
Hips 42.5 (-1.5)
L Thigh 25 (+0.5)
R Thigh (+1)
L Calf 15 (-0.5)
R Calf (-0.5)
L Arm 12 (-0.5)
R Arm 12.5 (no change)

4.5 inches lost! And since I started last month I am down a total of 7.5 inches! Now it will be just working to keep it off.

Shred

Begininning Measurement
Weight 185
Bust 42
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 26
Arms 12

Week One
Weight 183.4
Bust 38
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 25.5
Arms 12

Week two
Weight 188
Bust 39
Waist 39 1/2
Hips 44
Thighs 24
Arms 12

Starting Over (7/2/09)
Weight - 187.8 (-0.2)
Bust - 38 (-1)
Under Bust - 34.5 (new measurment)
Waist - 39.5 (no change)
Hips - 43 (-1)
L Thigh - 25.5 (+1.5)
R Thigh - 26 (new measurement)
L Calf - 15.5 (new measurement)
R Calf - 15.5
L Arm - 12 (no change)
R Arm - 12

Week One (after starting over)
weight 187.2 (-0.6)
Bust 37.5 (-0.5)
Under Bust 32 (-2.5)
Waist 38 (-1.5)
Hips 44 (+1)
L Thigh 24.5 (-1)
R Thigh 24 (-2)
L Calf 15.5
R Calf 15.5
L Arm 12.5
R Arm 12.5

Starting Over - Shred Day 1 Level 1

Begininning Measurements
Weight 185
Bust 42
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 26
Arms 12

Week One
Weight 183.4
Bust 38
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 25.5
Arms 12

Week two
Weight 188
Bust 39
Waist 39 1/2
Hips 44
Thighs 24
Arms 12

Starting Over (7/2/09)
Weight - 187.8 (-0.2)
Bust - 38 (-1)
Under Bust - 34.5 (new measurment)
Waist - 39.5 (no change)
Hips - 43 (-1)
L Thigh - 25.5 (+1.5)
R Thigh - 26 (new measurement)
L Calf - 15.5 (new measurement)
R Calf - 15.5
L Arm - 12 (no change)
R Arm - 12

So I got really off track and just ate and ate and ate. Not good. So I am starting over. This of course was reflected in my weight. I gained back all the hard work. I can not allow this to happen again.

New Measurements at Week One

Last week

Weight 185

Bust 42

Waist 39

Hips 43

Thighs 26

Arms 12

This week

Weight 183.4

Bust 38

Waist 39

Hips 43

Thighs 25.5

Arms 12

So I haven't done the shred since Thursday, but this has totally renewed my commitment. I lost two pounds! and 4.5 inches. Next week I want to be 180 and have lost six inches total.

I did do the shred monday and today. Yesterday I tried following the more advanced girl and it wasn't too bad. However today I REALLY feel it in my legs! Which is really good. :)

Thats my glasses. Broke them on Father's Day. Oops. :)

Jacob in his new highchair (courtsey of Grammy)

Jacob in the handmedown highchair that was mine and my dad's.

Day 3 of the 30 day Shred

Are you kidding me? The exercises aren't complicated. But man is it intense!!! But I got through all 20 mins today, and as much as I didn't want to do it, I did it!

Thats really all thats going on. I can't wait to see results. :)

My legs!!! Ahhhh!

I did squats and jumping jacks the other day. Now my legs are killing me! But in a good way.

We walked to the park today. :) It was good. Hung out with Jess and Jacob for most of the day.

I am way to tired to write any more....

I just did 3 reps of squats (at this time reps for me are in 10's) and 3 reps of Jumping Jacks. I can feel the squats. Tomorrow, I should go for a walk and do some pilates.

I hate clothes shopping

4 hours of shopping for a dress and we didn't find anything that looks good on me AND fit my very large tater tots AND was in the right color. Ugh.... I am SO wiped out.

More than ever I am very committed to dropping some more baby weight. I WILL look good this summer.

We might have found a new place to live. Its a brand new 4 plex. Completely remodled. Two bedrooms, 924 square feet. They are asking $675 a month for it. This includes w/s/g and lawn care. :) So tomorrow we are going to drive by them and peek in the windows.

I have SO much to do around the house. Dishes need done, laundry, and I still need to get a workout in. Jacob is laying down fighting his last nap of the day. Jess won't be home till later tonight. He is working on someone's boat. This is good though.

I am going to make pork stir fry tonight. With water chestnuts, green peppers and carrots, and maybe even broccoli.

Off to get something done.

Crisis Averted

Jesse found his tools at work. Thank goodness!

So I posted my bedroom set on craigslist the other day and now I am not sure if I really want to sell it. We have a metal frame that our bed can sit on. And this would mean one less thing that we have to move, but I bought this set all on my own. I do like it. It has some minor damage that I didn't do to it, and I am asking $400 for just the headboard, footboard and frame. We could really use the extra money. But is it really worth it??

He is in SO much trouble!

My husband. He left his tools outside of work. Went back to get them (like three hours later when he remembered) and they are gone! We are both hoping on the positive that someone he works with took care of them for him, if that is the case he owes them coffee or something. Worse case is that they are gone for good. He has to have tools to do his $11.00 an hour job that we REALLY need. This means we will be taking out loans at the only places we can get them (which are the places that rates are like 30%). Not good. So of course now I am totally stressing. We can't afford to lose his income (seeing as its really our only income) or his job in this economy. I've talked to him about this. He needs to slow down! He gets in an all fired hurry about things and forgets what he is doing. He has already lost tools at work. And he's picked up some side jobs working on other people's boats but you can't do that if you don't have your own tools!!!

Ugh... I am really upset with him.

Bust - 42

Waist - 39

Hips - 43

Weight - 186

I weighted myself last week on Wednesday and was 187. So I have lost about a pound! Yay!

I did 20 situps ealier today. Once jacob is up from his nap, we will dance to some music, gonna try and get my heart rate up there.

I am making a baked, chicken and veggie pasta dish for dinner. Should be, if nothing else, interesting. :)

I know what I'm going to do today!!

Other than watch way too much Phineas and Ferb. :)

• Laundry
• Vacume the living room
• Sweep the living room, bedroom and kitchen/dinning room
• File papers
• Dishes
• Clean the dog's room (also known as the laundry room)
• Clean the bathroom

So far I have vacumed the living room. Still need to do the couch... but vacuming made Jacob angry so I had to stop with the floor. Now he is crying it up in his room because he is tired and won't take a much needed nap!

Oh and I do need to do some exercises.

In other news, we sold one of our tvs. Yay! Thats one less thing we will have to move!!! I would love to get rid of more stuff but thats easier said than done.

Jesse is working on someone else's boat tonight. And hopefully someone else's this week. Thats extra income for us! We only have to make one payment on the cougar this month and next month the girl we sold the car too starts making payments!! I need to hook up my printer today too, so I can do an admendment to the contract. And send that to her. What else.... I hope to hear from Fred Meyer Jewelers sometime this week. And hopefully next week the lady I babysit for will be back. Because I make good money there too. :) Its nice when our finances start looking better. I should fill out the application for food stamps too. Hey if we can qualify I am all for it!!

Veggi-ta-bles!

I made Jacob some homemade broccoli! Had to mix it with Gerber Carrots to get him to eat it, but down it went! However since he isn't eatting his veggies like he used to, he is going back to getting only veggies and no fruit for awhile.

I did a lot better today on calories than I did the day before. And I got a walk in this evening. Maybe tomorrow, weather permitting, Jacob and I will go walk the docks.

Jacob seems to be feeling much better. Oh, and he weights 17 pounds 9 ounces!

Crazy Lady!! What are you doing???

Fat girl in a little dress

That's how I felt today as I went looking for sundresses (I only need one dress) for the wedding I am in this summer. I think I need to invest in a personal trainer or something. This is HORRID! And since yesterday was what I was eating BEFORE I decided to start watching what I eat, I now see why I'm fat!!! 2700 calories for the day. Ugh. It really bothers me. I think over all what bothers me the most is that I have a closet, a dresser, two totes, a suitcase and at least one cardboard box of clothes that right now, do not fit me (and this does not include my maternity clothes). None of my bras that aren't nursing bras fit. This sucks because right before I got pregnant my mom bought me two really cute Victoria Secret bras that I can't wear any longer. Yeah I am wearing size 11/12 jeans but this doesn't do much for my self image. When I got fat in high school thats the biggest I got. And then I lost a lot of weight afterwards and went to a 5/6 in jeans (smallest I could go with the size of my hips). And stayed right around a 7/8 or 9/10. And I was happy with that. I knew I could buy shirts off that rack in med or large and they would fit just fine. I hate clothes shopping anyway and this just makes it worse. That and I wear the same stuff all week long. I only have what fits in my closet and its not much. I only have the one pair of pants that fit right, so going for job interviews is interesting. Its not so much the numbers that gets me. If I looked good and didn't have a pouchy tummy and huge thighs I would be okay. If I weighted 185 and looked good, that would be okay. But I don't!!! Not at all.

In other news, I found out that Jacob likes ice cream. :) yay!

Next spring we will start trying to baby number two. That way they will be a little over two years apart if we were to get pg right off the bat.

Supposedly my brother in law is coming up here sometime this week. I told Jess that was fine but there will be NO drinking in the house if he is here (he's an alcolholic).

Now I am off to clean my house and put a workout DVD in.