Its about time

I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. Myself, my husband, my house, my blog. Right a blog is right up there with the important things. I need an outlet. I no longer get out with "friends". This is as much a personal choice as it is not being asked to do anything.

Some days I have no desire to do anything. Not even be a mommy. But I have to be. It gets me down. I've shouted out "I need a break" and no one has come to my rescue. So I started to wonder if they really should. Did anyone really have a reason to help me out?

I speak my mind. You don't have to guess what I think about you. Which is a plus for the people I like and the ones I would consider friends. Not so much a plus for the people I don't like. And that list is starting to grow. Ugh, I hate saying that, but its true. I've moved enough in my life to have a pretty good grasp on what is important to me. Good friends are important but VERY rare. And even when you think you have found a good friend, they may not be as wonderful as you once thought. I have friends who at least text every few days to find out what's going on. Others I haven't heard from in weeks, months, years. Some of them I still care about and consider friends, others I am thinking of dropping. I understand that everyone is busy with their own lives, work, more than one kid, husbands. You name it.

I am more than willing to help others whenever I can. This is a big thing for me. I really feel that good friends should be their for their friends. Its when you start realizing that you are helping because you want to and they help because they expect something in return. Or they need help or a break and you are there, but when you pose the same cry, no one listens. Now I am not looking for sympathy here. Just pointing out many of the things that I have thought about these last few weeks.

I could name my really good friends on 5 fingers. One is in MI and I rarely talk to her but she is a wonderful gal, two are really busy with work and or school, another is male (not my husband, although he is a great friend too), and...... okay so less than 5 fingers. This breaks my heart. I have cried too many nights over this. Poor Jesse has no idea how to help. He wants to fix it so bad but can't. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am a very social person. Not having someone that I can just call and talk to or go over and talk to just kills me. My bestest friends are my husband and my mother. There are just some things you can't talk to either of them about.

I wouldn't be surprised if I was slipping into a little bit of a depression. But really, who is there to help? Who can I count on? God and my family. Thats great but honestly, God doesn't talk back, and plenty of times my family has their own things going on. Jesse can't always talk to me when I want adult interaction, he is at work. And I think its asking a lot for my mother to be that person.

All I can do is hang out with my son. He is the joy in my life. As he grows more into a little person that will play with me *I can see it now "No mommy, I don't want to play. Mommy I play by myself. Mommy go way, no play.* I may not be as bored during the days.

I spend far too much time on the computer. I know this. Our small home is easy to keep clean, its too cold to go to the park or anywhere else for that matter, and my son naps like a dream so I have plenty of time to just be alone. And it blows!

So I guess I'm still unsure if people have a reason to help me when I ask. I try to be loving, kind, generous but I am also loud, opinionated and I don't take BS, life is too damn short to play games.

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. I had to wait until I had calmed down more. I'm tired of whining, and of petty people, and just generally stupidity. There is more to life than that.

So I sit. I read, book and articles on the internet. I play peek a boo with my son and listen to his joyous laughter. I watch him as he masters new milestones. And I try to at-least get some social interaction through Facebook or Ivillage. Its not much but its got to be better than nothing. I also hope that Jesse won't be too tired to hang out with me.

In the end, no matter what I did or didn't do during the day, I go to bed feeling good. I've cut out the people who whine and have petty crap going on. I'm sorry but I have nothing left to give to you. My energy and love goes towards the ones who are kind enough to give it back to me.