Christmas Time

What a wonderful time of year. I love it. The delight on Jacob's face as he played with the gifts other people got, the packaging and whatever else he could get his little hands on. It was WONDERFUL!

Christmas is about so much more than just getting gifts. Its about spending time with family. I had more fun hanging out with my parents, son and husband, than opening gifts. Although, watching Jacob walk around the living room with one of my mom's gifts was pretty cool. He was such a sweetheart all day!

This is a time that I remember what is important to me. Spending time with my family, having a healthy family, good friends, and most of all, knowing that I am loved for just being me.

There is some other positive news. At the beginning of last week, Jesse got a $1.00 an hour pay raise! What a huge blessing this is for us. I am so proud of all the hard work he has put in. What a wonderful husband I have.

I also have lost enough weight to go down a pant size. This makes me really happy. I just need to keep on it.

Jacob is walking everywhere and it just amazes me more and more each day. For the most part, he is a pretty happy kid. But he does know how to throw a tantrum. I am hoping that we can continue to nip this in the bud.

Birthday time!!!

Its that time! Jacob is 1 yr old today! I am so proud of my little man and I love him to pieces. We are having dinner at my parents and opening presents there.

I am however making the cake and doing LOTS of house cleaning.

Things on my list to get done....

• Bake the cake
• clean the kitchen
• wash, fold and put away the laundry
• clean off the table
• look through Sunday's paper and do my coupons (I do realize that its Wednesday, but oh well, it shall get done)

Well off I go to get this done.

Its about time

I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. Myself, my husband, my house, my blog. Right a blog is right up there with the important things. I need an outlet. I no longer get out with "friends". This is as much a personal choice as it is not being asked to do anything.

Some days I have no desire to do anything. Not even be a mommy. But I have to be. It gets me down. I've shouted out "I need a break" and no one has come to my rescue. So I started to wonder if they really should. Did anyone really have a reason to help me out?

I speak my mind. You don't have to guess what I think about you. Which is a plus for the people I like and the ones I would consider friends. Not so much a plus for the people I don't like. And that list is starting to grow. Ugh, I hate saying that, but its true. I've moved enough in my life to have a pretty good grasp on what is important to me. Good friends are important but VERY rare. And even when you think you have found a good friend, they may not be as wonderful as you once thought. I have friends who at least text every few days to find out what's going on. Others I haven't heard from in weeks, months, years. Some of them I still care about and consider friends, others I am thinking of dropping. I understand that everyone is busy with their own lives, work, more than one kid, husbands. You name it.

I am more than willing to help others whenever I can. This is a big thing for me. I really feel that good friends should be their for their friends. Its when you start realizing that you are helping because you want to and they help because they expect something in return. Or they need help or a break and you are there, but when you pose the same cry, no one listens. Now I am not looking for sympathy here. Just pointing out many of the things that I have thought about these last few weeks.

I could name my really good friends on 5 fingers. One is in MI and I rarely talk to her but she is a wonderful gal, two are really busy with work and or school, another is male (not my husband, although he is a great friend too), and...... okay so less than 5 fingers. This breaks my heart. I have cried too many nights over this. Poor Jesse has no idea how to help. He wants to fix it so bad but can't. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am a very social person. Not having someone that I can just call and talk to or go over and talk to just kills me. My bestest friends are my husband and my mother. There are just some things you can't talk to either of them about.

I wouldn't be surprised if I was slipping into a little bit of a depression. But really, who is there to help? Who can I count on? God and my family. Thats great but honestly, God doesn't talk back, and plenty of times my family has their own things going on. Jesse can't always talk to me when I want adult interaction, he is at work. And I think its asking a lot for my mother to be that person.

All I can do is hang out with my son. He is the joy in my life. As he grows more into a little person that will play with me *I can see it now "No mommy, I don't want to play. Mommy I play by myself. Mommy go way, no play.* I may not be as bored during the days.

I spend far too much time on the computer. I know this. Our small home is easy to keep clean, its too cold to go to the park or anywhere else for that matter, and my son naps like a dream so I have plenty of time to just be alone. And it blows!

So I guess I'm still unsure if people have a reason to help me when I ask. I try to be loving, kind, generous but I am also loud, opinionated and I don't take BS, life is too damn short to play games.

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. I had to wait until I had calmed down more. I'm tired of whining, and of petty people, and just generally stupidity. There is more to life than that.

So I sit. I read, book and articles on the internet. I play peek a boo with my son and listen to his joyous laughter. I watch him as he masters new milestones. And I try to at-least get some social interaction through Facebook or Ivillage. Its not much but its got to be better than nothing. I also hope that Jesse won't be too tired to hang out with me.

In the end, no matter what I did or didn't do during the day, I go to bed feeling good. I've cut out the people who whine and have petty crap going on. I'm sorry but I have nothing left to give to you. My energy and love goes towards the ones who are kind enough to give it back to me.

Measurements 7/26

Weight 183.4 (-3)
Bust 36.5 (+.5)
Under Bust 35 (+2)
Waist 37.5 (-1.5)
Hips 44 (+1.5)
L Thigh 24.5 (-0.5)
R Thigh 24.5 (-0.5)
L Calf 15 (no change)
R Calf (no change)
L Arm 12 (no change)
R Arm 12.5 (no change)

Blessings

There truely are still wonderful people in the world!!! Jesse, Jacob and I just recieved a jogging stroller, a walker for Grandma's house, another set of baby monitors, a bike trailer for babies, a toddler car seat, a toddler bike, and two coach purses!! We are so blessed and thank God.

Realization

In the last few days I've come to this not so startaling realization. I'm selfish. In my life, in a lot of things that I do. I am not grateful for what I have, instead I complain about what I don't have. And this has got to stop. NOW! I need to be thankful very much for what I have and settle into the knowing that good things do come to thoes who wait.



The things I am thankful for......

• My husband has a stable job that is able to provide adquate food, gas for our cars, occasional clothes for Jesse and I, clothes and toys for Jacob, a roof over our head, we both have cell phones, cable tv and internet. In all reality we are stuggling but we are not as bad off as I would have people blieve. Yes, we have debt up the wazoo. And they will get their money when they get it. But by the grace of God, we are surviving, and amazingly well.


• My son sleeps through the night. I am blessed to get plenty of sleep at night. Along with naps during the day if I so wish. I know for having a 7 month old that this is very special. And yet he wakes up at 7:30 in the morning and I complain that its too early. Rather than spend that extra time with my son.


• My little boy is happy. And I don't deserve it. I spend more time on the computer while he plays on the floor than I spend reading to him or playing with him. How selfish is that?? And then I complain about being bored! I have this amazing little boy infront of me and I am bored??? How can that be?? It is my own fault. And yet he loves me more than anything. He smiles at me, giggles when I pick him up, loves on me before bed, and wants to cuddle when he is tired.


• My husband treats me very well. He sleeps on the couch so I can get a good night's sleep. He gets up with the baby in middle of the night and takes over his care when he gets home from work. As much as he likes coming home to a clean house, its not the end of the world if it doens't happen. He spends his days at work and his evenings working side jobs or taking care of the baby, and he cooks dinner most nights. I spend my days watching tv, playing on the computer, napping and half heartedly taking care of the baby. Sometimes I do manage to slip in laundry and cleaning.


• I have many friends who love and support me.

Since I can realize all of this now (thanks to a few friends, who without knowing it have helped me to realize this) and do something about it. I have been lacking in my faith in God. Thinking I can do this all on my own. I can't. I have always felt better when that has been a focus in my life and yet I've been doing just the opposite. Unkind words about others (I do know that this can not always be helped), being selfish with myself and my time, just not being me. I rarely attend church but I am a big girl and know how to read. Its not that hard to pull out my old children's bible and read a story to my son. Its not that hard to pull out my bible and read many of the verses that I have underlined. I say this all now, but the true test will be putting it into practice.

This all being said, I am putting this whole car thing (to be explained in a moment*) into God's hands, Jesse and I have done what we can to contact the young lady.

*Back in June we sold Jesse's Mercury Cougar to this young lady. The deal was that she would make the payments to us and we would in turn make them to the bank (which the bank was okay with). And so far she has been current on her payments. However, we got a notice the other day that there was no insurance on the car. So Jesse called the number that we had for her insurance and it was cancled the 19th of this month. We tried to get a hold of her and no one has heard from her or seen her in awhile. So we told them that if she calls she needs to call or email us. I've myspaced her as well and we have emailed her. I went ahead and put our insurance back on the car so its covered. But now we wait and see. We can't afford car insurance for three cars AND two car payments.

Monday Measurements

Weight 186.4 (-0.8)
Bust 36 (-1.5)
Under Bust 33 (+1)
Waist 39 (+1)
Hips 42.5 (-1.5)
L Thigh 25 (+0.5)
R Thigh (+1)
L Calf 15 (-0.5)
R Calf (-0.5)
L Arm 12 (-0.5)
R Arm 12.5 (no change)

4.5 inches lost! And since I started last month I am down a total of 7.5 inches! Now it will be just working to keep it off.

Shred

Begininning Measurement
Weight 185
Bust 42
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 26
Arms 12

Week One
Weight 183.4
Bust 38
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 25.5
Arms 12

Week two
Weight 188
Bust 39
Waist 39 1/2
Hips 44
Thighs 24
Arms 12

Starting Over (7/2/09)
Weight - 187.8 (-0.2)
Bust - 38 (-1)
Under Bust - 34.5 (new measurment)
Waist - 39.5 (no change)
Hips - 43 (-1)
L Thigh - 25.5 (+1.5)
R Thigh - 26 (new measurement)
L Calf - 15.5 (new measurement)
R Calf - 15.5
L Arm - 12 (no change)
R Arm - 12

Week One (after starting over)
weight 187.2 (-0.6)
Bust 37.5 (-0.5)
Under Bust 32 (-2.5)
Waist 38 (-1.5)
Hips 44 (+1)
L Thigh 24.5 (-1)
R Thigh 24 (-2)
L Calf 15.5
R Calf 15.5
L Arm 12.5
R Arm 12.5

Starting Over - Shred Day 1 Level 1

Begininning Measurements
Weight 185
Bust 42
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 26
Arms 12

Week One
Weight 183.4
Bust 38
Waist 39
Hips 43
Thighs 25.5
Arms 12

Week two
Weight 188
Bust 39
Waist 39 1/2
Hips 44
Thighs 24
Arms 12

Starting Over (7/2/09)
Weight - 187.8 (-0.2)
Bust - 38 (-1)
Under Bust - 34.5 (new measurment)
Waist - 39.5 (no change)
Hips - 43 (-1)
L Thigh - 25.5 (+1.5)
R Thigh - 26 (new measurement)
L Calf - 15.5 (new measurement)
R Calf - 15.5
L Arm - 12 (no change)
R Arm - 12

So I got really off track and just ate and ate and ate. Not good. So I am starting over. This of course was reflected in my weight. I gained back all the hard work. I can not allow this to happen again.

New Measurements at Week One

Last week

Weight 185

Bust 42

Waist 39

Hips 43

Thighs 26

Arms 12

This week

Weight 183.4

Bust 38

Waist 39

Hips 43

Thighs 25.5

Arms 12

So I haven't done the shred since Thursday, but this has totally renewed my commitment. I lost two pounds! and 4.5 inches. Next week I want to be 180 and have lost six inches total.

I did do the shred monday and today. Yesterday I tried following the more advanced girl and it wasn't too bad. However today I REALLY feel it in my legs! Which is really good. :)

Thats my glasses. Broke them on Father's Day. Oops. :)

Jacob in his new highchair (courtsey of Grammy)

Jacob in the handmedown highchair that was mine and my dad's.

Day 3 of the 30 day Shred

Are you kidding me? The exercises aren't complicated. But man is it intense!!! But I got through all 20 mins today, and as much as I didn't want to do it, I did it!

Thats really all thats going on. I can't wait to see results. :)

My legs!!! Ahhhh!

I did squats and jumping jacks the other day. Now my legs are killing me! But in a good way.

We walked to the park today. :) It was good. Hung out with Jess and Jacob for most of the day.

I am way to tired to write any more....

I just did 3 reps of squats (at this time reps for me are in 10's) and 3 reps of Jumping Jacks. I can feel the squats. Tomorrow, I should go for a walk and do some pilates.

I hate clothes shopping

4 hours of shopping for a dress and we didn't find anything that looks good on me AND fit my very large tater tots AND was in the right color. Ugh.... I am SO wiped out.

More than ever I am very committed to dropping some more baby weight. I WILL look good this summer.

We might have found a new place to live. Its a brand new 4 plex. Completely remodled. Two bedrooms, 924 square feet. They are asking $675 a month for it. This includes w/s/g and lawn care. :) So tomorrow we are going to drive by them and peek in the windows.

I have SO much to do around the house. Dishes need done, laundry, and I still need to get a workout in. Jacob is laying down fighting his last nap of the day. Jess won't be home till later tonight. He is working on someone's boat. This is good though.

I am going to make pork stir fry tonight. With water chestnuts, green peppers and carrots, and maybe even broccoli.

Off to get something done.

Crisis Averted

Jesse found his tools at work. Thank goodness!

So I posted my bedroom set on craigslist the other day and now I am not sure if I really want to sell it. We have a metal frame that our bed can sit on. And this would mean one less thing that we have to move, but I bought this set all on my own. I do like it. It has some minor damage that I didn't do to it, and I am asking $400 for just the headboard, footboard and frame. We could really use the extra money. But is it really worth it??

He is in SO much trouble!

My husband. He left his tools outside of work. Went back to get them (like three hours later when he remembered) and they are gone! We are both hoping on the positive that someone he works with took care of them for him, if that is the case he owes them coffee or something. Worse case is that they are gone for good. He has to have tools to do his $11.00 an hour job that we REALLY need. This means we will be taking out loans at the only places we can get them (which are the places that rates are like 30%). Not good. So of course now I am totally stressing. We can't afford to lose his income (seeing as its really our only income) or his job in this economy. I've talked to him about this. He needs to slow down! He gets in an all fired hurry about things and forgets what he is doing. He has already lost tools at work. And he's picked up some side jobs working on other people's boats but you can't do that if you don't have your own tools!!!

Ugh... I am really upset with him.

Bust - 42

Waist - 39

Hips - 43

Weight - 186

I weighted myself last week on Wednesday and was 187. So I have lost about a pound! Yay!

I did 20 situps ealier today. Once jacob is up from his nap, we will dance to some music, gonna try and get my heart rate up there.

I am making a baked, chicken and veggie pasta dish for dinner. Should be, if nothing else, interesting. :)

I know what I'm going to do today!!

Other than watch way too much Phineas and Ferb. :)

• Laundry
• Vacume the living room
• Sweep the living room, bedroom and kitchen/dinning room
• File papers
• Dishes
• Clean the dog's room (also known as the laundry room)
• Clean the bathroom

So far I have vacumed the living room. Still need to do the couch... but vacuming made Jacob angry so I had to stop with the floor. Now he is crying it up in his room because he is tired and won't take a much needed nap!

Oh and I do need to do some exercises.

In other news, we sold one of our tvs. Yay! Thats one less thing we will have to move!!! I would love to get rid of more stuff but thats easier said than done.

Jesse is working on someone else's boat tonight. And hopefully someone else's this week. Thats extra income for us! We only have to make one payment on the cougar this month and next month the girl we sold the car too starts making payments!! I need to hook up my printer today too, so I can do an admendment to the contract. And send that to her. What else.... I hope to hear from Fred Meyer Jewelers sometime this week. And hopefully next week the lady I babysit for will be back. Because I make good money there too. :) Its nice when our finances start looking better. I should fill out the application for food stamps too. Hey if we can qualify I am all for it!!

Veggi-ta-bles!

I made Jacob some homemade broccoli! Had to mix it with Gerber Carrots to get him to eat it, but down it went! However since he isn't eatting his veggies like he used to, he is going back to getting only veggies and no fruit for awhile.

I did a lot better today on calories than I did the day before. And I got a walk in this evening. Maybe tomorrow, weather permitting, Jacob and I will go walk the docks.

Jacob seems to be feeling much better. Oh, and he weights 17 pounds 9 ounces!

Crazy Lady!! What are you doing???

Fat girl in a little dress

That's how I felt today as I went looking for sundresses (I only need one dress) for the wedding I am in this summer. I think I need to invest in a personal trainer or something. This is HORRID! And since yesterday was what I was eating BEFORE I decided to start watching what I eat, I now see why I'm fat!!! 2700 calories for the day. Ugh. It really bothers me. I think over all what bothers me the most is that I have a closet, a dresser, two totes, a suitcase and at least one cardboard box of clothes that right now, do not fit me (and this does not include my maternity clothes). None of my bras that aren't nursing bras fit. This sucks because right before I got pregnant my mom bought me two really cute Victoria Secret bras that I can't wear any longer. Yeah I am wearing size 11/12 jeans but this doesn't do much for my self image. When I got fat in high school thats the biggest I got. And then I lost a lot of weight afterwards and went to a 5/6 in jeans (smallest I could go with the size of my hips). And stayed right around a 7/8 or 9/10. And I was happy with that. I knew I could buy shirts off that rack in med or large and they would fit just fine. I hate clothes shopping anyway and this just makes it worse. That and I wear the same stuff all week long. I only have what fits in my closet and its not much. I only have the one pair of pants that fit right, so going for job interviews is interesting. Its not so much the numbers that gets me. If I looked good and didn't have a pouchy tummy and huge thighs I would be okay. If I weighted 185 and looked good, that would be okay. But I don't!!! Not at all.

In other news, I found out that Jacob likes ice cream. :) yay!

Next spring we will start trying to baby number two. That way they will be a little over two years apart if we were to get pg right off the bat.

Supposedly my brother in law is coming up here sometime this week. I told Jess that was fine but there will be NO drinking in the house if he is here (he's an alcolholic).

Now I am off to clean my house and put a workout DVD in.

Come rain or shine

My big boy holding his bottle

I walked to the Legion! And about halfway there (I had already walked up a hill and was NOT turning back) it started to sprinkle. And by the time we left, it was raining. Grr. Stupid North Idaho weather! And of course, now its nice out. However, as soon as Jess gets home from work we will be going on a walk as a family. We might take Jacob to the park on 7th and Montana. Not sure yet.

I could of used a nap today, but everytime I went to lay down, Jacob woke up. Right now he is playing on his mat and talking to himself. And he sounds like and Ewok. :)

One year later

Since the weight is still NOT coming off (and none of my summer clothes fit), I will be walking to the American Legion (I work there two days a week) tomorrow morning to drop off a shopping list (I manage the kitchen). Its about 13 blocks from where I live. So weather provding Jacob and I will get up and go for a walk. And then I may walk again in the evening with the family or a solo run. Depends what the weather is and how I am feeling.

In good news my calories are getting down there and I am not feeling hungry at the end of the day. I bought a bag of hersey kisses for when I am craving chocolate. I can have 9 of them. Which is more than I thought I was going to get to have.

Saturday was Jesse's and I first wedding anniversary. It was a nice evening. We are getting along much better. We have set aside time to talk to each other about anything the other person has done to bother us. I think this is helping in keeping the lines of communication open.

Well I am off to get cleaned up and go to bed! Night!

When it rains is pours, and then there is a rainbow

Last night I discovered $87 in overdraft charges on my bank account. Are you freaking kidding me??? Then before I went to bed (at 12:30) I checked Jacob (like always) and he was burning up. Not wanting to wake him, I used the paci thermometer that we have. 103.4! So Jess and I work him up to take his temp up the bum, and it was 101.9. So into the ER we went.

Well after he was poked and prodded like no other, we were sent home (4:30am) and told to follow up with our doctor in the morning. So after less than 4 hours of sleep both Jacob and I are awake and trying to figure out when we are going in to the Dr.

And I got my account straight. I was not the one who did the overdrafts (not my fault), it was a banking error and so the fees were reversed. :)

Also we found out that Jacob has an ear infection. Thats why his white count was 15,000 (a bit on the highside for infants but still within normal). So now we are getting his Rx filled.

Tmobile rocks! I wasn't going to have enough this payday to pay them and get Jacob's Rx. So I called them and they asked if we could put $20 towards the bill, I said yes and I can pay the remainder on the 18th without any penlties!

That makes me happy! So it was a rough night but today wasn't too bad. Just stressing how we are going to pay everything. Ugh.

Adventures in babysitting

I did get a job! Its one that I interviewed for last week. I will be babysitting a six month old baby girl along with Jacob. And I have no idea what I am getting paid! :) I am supposed to be there in an hour and 15 mins (and I am still in my pjs!) so Jacob is down for a mini nap now. Its better than no nap.

And I will still be going to my Fred Meyer interview on Sat.

What else is going on.....

I am writting an essay to win a $675,000 house on 11 acres. :) Really excited about this.

Jesse is working tomorrow. Which is good because he took a half day on tuesday so this will make up for it and make bill paying that much easier next payday.

I had 1545 in calories yesterday! No walking got in but that is just half of my diet. Tonight will be the real test, I work and there are always so many goodies there that look so good!

Well I should go get out of my pjs and get some housework done.

Eating while board = not good

I am up to 950 calories for today (I am trying to stay in between 1300 and 1500). But I'm not hungry. I just keep snacking while I am board. This is a bad habit I am working on changing.

I did have a salad for lunch so that was good. And I just used some salt, pepper and red wine vinegar for dressing. So what I need to do while Jacob is sleeping and I am watching Dr Phil is sit ups or squats. Something. And I am going to try and go for a walk tonight. What I would like to do is walk in the morning with Jacob and run in the evening by myself. We'll see.

I do however have to say that I am very proud of myself. I am working on my eating and trying to better reconize hunger signs. And drinking lots of water.

I joined my local MOMs club today. :) Looking forward to being out more and meeting new people.

So Dr Phil today is about playing too many virtual computer games (ie. world of warcraft). I feel for a lot of the women on my message board that are going through this with their husbands. I enjoy my computer games (not that I can play them, I need a new computer or more memory) but this is too much!

Off to workout and clean house... whichever comes first.

Job interview!!!

For Fred Meyer Jewelers!!! Which I have done before (with Jc Penny) and LOVED!!!

The only downside is its in Spokane Valley. But its at the valley location and NOT Northtown (which is like another 45 min drive from the valley and the valley is only 30 mins from where I am).

And because its in Washington I have to make at least $8.55 an hour. So it would likely be that AND commission!

So lets all hope I get this because I do want it bad!!!

Update to my last bloggie post

Well Jesse ended up taking a half day today. Not only because of us fighting but also because we had some major stuff to finish up with selling the cougar. (I will get into that in a bit)





We sat down and really talked. Without yelling. That was nice. We went over what each one of us expect out of the other. And we have decided to set aside some time each night to go over whatever the other person has said or done to upset us. This is good because Jesse tends to let things go for so long and then he blows up at me and I didn't even see it coming. We both say we are commited to the marriage and really want it to work. Keeping the lines of communication open is going to be very important. I think right now we are both feeling better.





Okay on to the cougar. First off I am SOOOOOO glad its GONE! We are selling it to a young lady who is just in love with the car. She is making payments to us and we are in turn making the payments to the bank the loan is through. But the state of Washington is all sorts of screwy on their titling. So we were dealing with that. But its all good now.





I have to say, if I was rich I would probably spend all my money at Babies R Us and Barnes & Noble. Just so everyone knows that. :)





I didn't get a workout in at all today. Just busy with everything else. I did eat breakfast but missed lunch. :( And I still have no idea what we are doing for dinner. Ugh.





Off to get something done or something like that.

Sara and Jacob

Divorce was not supposed to be an option

Its sad but we are starting to talk divorce. We are four days away from being married a year and divorce is starting to become an option.

He just doesn't get it. I get so irritated that he can't handle simple tasks. I cleaned my desk before I left on vacation. Told him his car payment needed mailed (I was gone Friday through Wednesday), filled it out, and put it in the envelope and left it on the desk (along with his mother's mother's day card). I told him to mail it. Got back Wednesday evening... and guess what?? It hadn't been mailed. I wasn't asking for a lot.

And it seems like all we do is fight. He feels like he can never make me happy and all I want from him is the truth. And I can't even get that. He lies to me. Not even about big things. But no matter, he still lies to me.

So I have to figure out if he is going to work at this with me or if I should just throw in the towel now before I start to hate him. If it ever comes to that.

And more than anything I want him to trust me. He doesn't. But if you screw him, he just keeps coming back for more. And the lying. He doesn't trust me so he lies to me. This breaks my heart more than anything. His actions say you are good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be trusted with my heart. I have never lied to him, I have never mislead him and until now, I have never not trusted him (even though he has done things that don't deserve me to trust him).

He is on his way home now to talk about this. We are looking very hard at not being together anymore. (btw, I HATE dating)

Walking Day One

After dinner Jesse, Jacob and I went for a walk. It was a nice 30 minute walk over to the park and back again. However, Jesse walks too slow for what I am wanting to do. So I may be going in the evenings, after dinner, before it starts getting dark but when its nice and cool out.

I made lasagna for dinner. I also made Jesse's birthday cake (I will be taking a picture and posting it). It it two cakes with a chocolate mousse filling. It doesn't look to pretty but I think it will taste really good.

I have done good on the calories today. With everything today (including the cake I am going to have) I am at roughly 1400 claories! GOAL!!! And I don't feel hungry. Thats the important part. Now I just need to drink so more water and I will be good to go!

a month later and...

I am still here. Just had a lot going on in the last month. Jacob's chicken pox were really mild. We just got back from southern Idaho. Went to visit family and that was a blast. Jacob did SO well in the car. I am SO proud of him. He really did well the whole trip for being in a new place and meeting so many new people.

I will be in a wedding this summer so I am starting to watch what I eat. I didn't do so well today, although I did try to eat breakfast (for some reason I was sick to my stomache). But I did track all that I ate. I want to be eating about 1500 calories and I ate 2600 (yikes!). And I didn't get in any exercise. So hopefully we will get to go hiking tomorrow.

Jess and I have been having some major problems in our marriage that we are trying very hard to work out. I even went as far as to leave him last week right before vacation (he was staying home while I went with my parents to southern id). But we have since talked about things and are both making some adjustments. I love him so much and it hurts to see us going through this.

Next week is out 1 yr anniversary. Wow.

Jacob is growing like a weed. I need to make his six month shot appointment. We have a check up the end of June.

Our lease on our current place is up in Aug and so we are trying to find a new place to live. We both really want to buy a house but that is just not going to happen right now. And thats okay. I would like to see us pay so more stuff off before we do that.

Jesse spent the weekend in Lewiston. It was a lot of fun seeing the family. Missed Jacob and Lacey tons while I was gone. Seems like Jacob got so much bigger in the few days since I had seen him. Work is going well. Still studying my numbers so I can take a test and get a much needed raise. All in all, things are going well.

Chicken Pox in my 5 month old

Thats right. We took him into the ER tonight and it looks like the onset of chicken pox. Great. And I really shouldn't be reading the internet. Because of course, even if I had wanted to get the vaccine, we can't because Jacob is under a year old. And CP is worse for infants under a year. Great... just freaking great. I am so nervous and scared and paniky. I want nothing more than to just go hover over Jacob's crib. Right now I am very thankful that his crib is in our room. I have to get off the internet and quit reading all there is to read about chicken pox.

Sicky McSickerton

My poor baby has had a fever since Thursday. It was 100.1 then so we took him to the ER. And last night we took his temp again, and it was back up to 100.2. So this morning I called the Dr and into his office we went. Other than the fever Jacob has been just fine. Still laughing, eating, having wet diapers. Nothing other than a bit of a stuff nose and the fever. So after seeing the Dr he wants to rule out anything else. So off to the hospital we go to have a CBC and urine draw. Poor little guy got stuck three times! And man did he scream. He was heard in the lobby. I am so thankful that my mom was there to help the nurses hold him. I stayed in the room and tried my best to hold back the tears. It was hard. I hate hearing the "mommy, they are HURTING me!" screams. But on the plus side, the tests all came back normal, so its just a viral infection. We just need to hope that the fever is gone by next week, if not then we have to go back in.

So about an hour after the Drs offices calls and tells me the good news they call back. They have some formula for me. I am thinking, cool, a few cans of formula, that will help. Nope! Six CASES of Similac ready to feed 2oz bottles! Sweet deal.

Jesse is also getting sick, its in his throat and chest. Now I have to work hard at not getting it.

Slept on the floor last night in Jacob's room. He didn't want to go to sleep and I was letting Jesse sleep in the bed since I am not really working now.

I sorta quit my job. I am now just on call and I am not as stressed anymore. Granted this does not solve our money problems nor does it help, but I am a much happier mommy. So we are having a garge sale this weekend in hopes to sell some things and make some good money. And Jesse will be getting a raise hopefully in the next month. He also still manages to pick up side jobs. Every little bit helps.

We have an application in for Habitat for Humanity housing. I hope that this works out for us. It would be a huge help.

So thats what we have been up to.

Crazy Week

Its been one of thoes weeks. I worked all week (which is just draining). Most days Jacob wouldn't go down for a nap unless I slept with him (which is fine with me). So now I have the weekend off. Yay. Softball practice on Sunday, Jesse was off today but went and worked on some guy's boat. He makes $25 an hour for doing it, so thats nice. We still owe Avista $541. Ugh. So Jesse called and talked to them and we can pay them $135 a month PLUS our current energy bill. There is really no way we can afford that but we will do what we have to do.

Right now I am just folding laundry, changed the sheets on our bed and Jacob's bed. My mom found him nice SOFT sheets! Yay for Grandma, he is going to love them.

We are trying to rent out the spare bedroom in our house. We could use the extra money. I sat down the other night and I figured that we are $30,000 in debt. Thats horrible. Thats cars, medical, loans, credit cards and other crap. Just crap. I want to see it all gone in two years. I know thats a short time frame but I NEED it to be gone. Its ridiculas that its that bad.

So I am cleaning the house and trying to sell what we don't need, getting rid of other things. Just trying to do what I can. Budgeting. Thats a big one. And only going to the grocery store when we really need it.

Well I am off to finish cleaning my house. :)

So I was going to update yesterday but I had a major headache and was going to bed asap!

I babysat a little girl yesterday. It was fun. Totally gave me some insight on being a mom to a toddler and an infant. I can't tell you how many times I said "leave the baby alone" or "be nice to the baby". :) I have a lot more respect for moms that have their kids close in age.

We started cloth diapers yesterday. We will still do disposables at night (I've become accustomed to having my sleep back), but so far I like it. And so does Jesse. Jacob is not so sure, since now he KNOWS he is wet! I am going to go to a local store today and see about more liners and covers.

We got part of our refund back and I have already spent half of it. But I was responsible and paid two bills. :)

Softball hopefully starts next Sunday. Unless it is raining again. Stupid rain, eventhough it is better than the snow.

Jacob is growing like a weed! Thank goodness for craigslist and such. And good sales.

Not much else is going on. I have to work today. Which should be interesting. I have to work closely with a young girl who does NOT like me. Not that I am there to make friends. Yes, it does make things nicer but if I have done nothing for you to not like me than you need to get over yourself.

Mommy's Little Flirt!

Saturday March 14

Since everyone I know has a blog, I figured it was time for me to get one to.

We have been doing a whole lot of nothing. I went to work, for a few days a week. Not liking it much. I wish I was home with Jacob more. And when I went back to work, I had to stop nursing. I miss it so much. I hate that we were only able to do it for a short period of time. On the plus side, no more nursing pads.

Jesse and I discussed (and have been discussing) our marriage. I have been too distant since the baby was born. And he hasn't been involved enough. We began reading "the proper care and feeding of marriage" by Dr Laura. And so far we are both really impressed and we have seen a change in our relationship. We make more time for eachother. We are move loving towards eachother. There are many things that have improved in such a short period of time.

I can't wait for our lease to be up and for us to find a new place to live. The heating here bites. It is still SO freaking COLD! I want winter to be over and done with!

Today I bought Jacob some new cloth diapers. I can't wait to try them out!

And he has a bouncer and I (and him) are in love with it. It would be nice to be home more so he could us it more.